Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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