9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize