If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
