its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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