Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
