I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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