I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
