I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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