oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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