he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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