your parents love me but you hate me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
