Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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