so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
