you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
