Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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