Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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