Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am midnight drunk by noon
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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