and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
