Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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