Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
