are you still at the devil's house?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
