My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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