I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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