so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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