her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
