get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
