I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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