i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize