Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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