btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
