Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize