if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
