Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
