$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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