I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
