theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
