I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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