Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
