FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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