Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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