you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
