I think I won the penis lottery.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
