You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
