if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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