Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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