Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
