I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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