Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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