I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
