I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
