i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
