I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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