Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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