Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
