I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
