Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
