what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
