it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
