Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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