She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
