If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
