Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
