I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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